taylor

so in The Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy and her posse enter emerald city they see a "horse of a different color" one that changes color every 30 seconds or so. Do you think they filmed the horse up against a green screen?

...


(ok so if you didn't get it emerald city is completely green)

The gangsta nation song by westside connection and nate dogg is stolen. The whole back beat melody thing is borrowed from a crosby stills and nash song, Chicago. that being said. It is pretty catchy for being a completely sterotypical rap song. where's the creativity, the title is gangsta nation, and yes it is spelled like that.

what's the plural of penis, is it penii

Pornstars in History, a follow up to Helen Keller: this week, Adolf Hitler
adolf hitlers penis. yes, adolf hitlers penis. you're picturing him naked; weird huh. It's a little known fact that adolf hitler set off the trend towards males shaving their netherlands. He had his pubic hair cut to match his mustache because he thought it lent a visual continuity to his aging pale naked body (you're picturing it again ha ha)

there are times in every man's life
when he must rock the birkenstocks
usually when that man
runs out of socks

death of spartacous the transexual dancing hippo

hippo hip replacement surgery
infection is unlikely, thanks to the antibiotical slurry
an intrevenous pot pourri
that swims through the veins and stimulates
a white blood cell flurry

how'd it happen let me tell ya'
flashback to a crossdressed scene as cinderella
insert a synaptic cd skip in tha cerebella
6,782 pounds of sequined pink fell and ah

timbers splintered
and the hip which was
osteoporosis rendered
geriatrically really really unlimber
exploded in bone fragment fourth of july splendor

(more to come)

how many people are sane purely out of the strength of their own self delusions and innability to see themselves as they really are

how many friends do we make out of pure convenience? and how much free will do we actually exercize in choosing who to associate with?

washing/ having "clean" vs. relatively clean clothes is like that suave shampoo commercial. If you can't tell then why should I? recycling its a beautiful thing
stop reading now if you don't like underwear economics and calculus

If you assume that underwear and socks aren't recyclable then you are limited only by the number of pairs of underwear you have. And at some point it is cheaper to buy more underwear than it is to do laundry. if underwear costs x dollars per pair, and laundry costs $1.50 a load on average in fixed costs and you figure in an hours worth of your labor, then laundry costs you 7.50/week, if you only have enough underwear for 1 week. If you took some of that 7.50 and invested in more underwear you could go longer and would yield savings in the long run. Just imagine, 4 weeks worth of underwear, and assuming that all still fits into 1 load, then your monthly laundry expenses are quartered. A last consideration is the lifespan of the underwear and I'm sure there's some sort of calculus equation to figure this out, but I'm lazy. And laziness has nothing to do with not doing laundry, as we already proved that's fuckin' economics.

dissorganization breeds creativity; it's really the same thing. Put things together in ways that people don't expect. ~ this profound thought was brought to you by the number seven, the letter b, and the fact that I found a plate in my dresser drawer this morning.

A direct quote from my only valentine this year: "Dear, sweet Taylor! You are like a butterfly that has flown into my heart, causing it to fluctuate with your every gentle flutter. Each time I gaze at your wild, untamed mop of hair my nipples begin to salivate with unquenchable desire! Yet whenever I am near you these unwarranted sensations leave me powerless to declare my intense craving for you. Why must you affect me so? Make yourself known to me!" dude whoever you are you're officially my hero because that's freakin' hilarious.

altoids
huh unh huh unh
check out my deltoids
ok I'm not fiddy cent
but I sure am
curious strong like the mint

-a prevalentine poem, love me.

oh and if you don't know me its funny because I don't really know where exactly the deltoid is but I'm pretty sure I don't have any. and I have mad rhyme skills, kind of like tony danza

I hate my roomate so much I'm considering pretending to be gay to offend is conservative religious morals in hopes that he will move out. I don't think I've ever hated anyone for just being themselves before, but he, yep, passes that test.

if only female nudity was considered humorous, the world would be such a better place

according to my research, if you point a camera at the average male, 3 out of 5 will try to show you their nipples.

the world was not meant to slide by at 30 miles
per hour behind the blinders of tinted windows.

is it physically possible for one to be higher than an astronaut on a stepladder? if so could we integrate this into the physics curriculum maybe as some sort of lab.

fuckin' wine, box or bottle, makes you want to make-out with the world

how do eyepatched pirates post e-smiles? P ) or maybe .)

was sgt. pepper's lonely heart club band lonely because they were in a band, OR did they form the band because they were lonely? Did the strain of constant touring prevent them from having meaningful relationships? OR were they lonely before and form a band to as a method to pick up chicks?

it's 2004 the present is now

snuffleupugus snufflupugus
they like humus;
it slides down the trunk without the slightest o' funk,
because then they might end up with a callous

the real robinson crusoe had sex with goats... hoorah for survival skills and the discovery channel

if human beings had been meant to click their heels together, they would have been born with castanets attached to them. -and the reason there are so many posts for today is because I've been saving them up for twenty years.

what if helen keller was in a porno

A fountain of hawaiian punch is illogical.

the drain pipes on normal water fountains are some of the blackest most fungus encrusted pipes you'll find due to all the goobers that come out of human saliva. I would know, I do maintenance work. So if we take the same goobers and give them something great to eat like the hella amounts of sugar found in hawaiian punch the pipes will need to be bleached every other day to keep the fungus down.

If there is a grain of truth in everything then maybe these are the units we should be measuring truth by.

And therefore whole wheat bread is the only moral choice for carbohydrates.

For the european democracies whose royalty now function as figureheads is is ironic or maybe socially telling if said royalty undergo plastic surgery?

origins. the origins of this great manifesto have their humble beginnings in a paper tacked to a door, in the spirit of the martin luthers, the galileos, the che gueveras, of course those rapscallions and all around guerilla radio pioneer dudes, mr morello, mr de la rocha and whatever the hell the other two guys names are. aka r.a.t.m.

ok I hate to burst the bubble of public image but rage is not quite in the same league as those other guys, but I of course am. and it was really fastened up there with scotch tape, but tacked -- it just sounds so much more forcefull, rebellious, oo just gives you chills the primal agressiveness of the word, eh. tacked. so forgive my artistic license, tacks don't work well on solid steel fire safety doors and its probably against housing policy or something anyways. Maybe a dagger that’s theatric, a bit swashbuckling though.

So this heres the prequel, oh and yeah, a la gorgeous georges lucas I of course had all of this written before my first trilogy and of course am not scraping the bucket on the bottom of my wells of creativity. Sludging up from its parched depths halfassed uncreative disneyfied pieces of shit to throw marketing and special effects dollars at in hopes of blockbuster salvation. And my special effects budget is low, so you’ll have to settle for handdrawn stuff I made on stolen copy paper with a pen I got for free from the peace corps. Dollars spent 0, priceless. Yeah I’d say it was really more of a remix, you know stuff I already wrote, re released so you can buy it again, because once again I’m either A. lazy or B. really an uncreative bastard who got lucky and needs to ride that damn cash train into the ground. hmm… linkin park…and a whole buncha hip hop…heres the remix to lesbian rainforest destruction…hot and fresh out tha kitchen… yep that was cheesy.

Anyways: here's the first and second issues, and their responses from my housing director

"Lesbians are responsible for the destruction of the rainforest."

apparently this requires some explanation, but the logic is flawless. Ok so the more "butch" if you will lesbians are often known to wear flannel. This fashion trend most likely stems from the traditional garb of the logging industry. Therefore they must have contacts with aforementioned industry.

As freud theorized, they may also envy the penis, and on a subconscious level feel cheated and have a desire to destroy phallic symbols. Trees are clearly one of the more prominent phallic symbols found in nature/everywhere, standing tall, erect, towering over the smaller flora like bushes. Also, one of the more common slang terms for the penis, Wood, or woody, clearly is derived from the tree. The largest, most dense, collections of trees are found in rainforests.

And so, I feel, due to their undeniable ties to the logging industry and phallicatory defiling motivation, you can come to no other conclusion but that Rosie O'Donnel is the head of an secretive (isn't it obvious from her magazine dealings that she is eager to uphold her spotless public image) international logging syndicate hell bent on ridding the world of trees.

The precedent is clear. Rosie tried to rid the world of guns, which is also a common phallic symbol - "here is my rifle. here is my gun" if you don't get the refrence, just quit reading and go watch more tv (you uncultured swine you.)

And in this galaxy far far, ok, so right here A shrowded Martha Stewart lurks in the deeply cast shadows of a corner (of federal pound me in the ass prison), controlling the galaxy. Ok I'm just going to come out with it, if the destruction of the rainforest were star wars, martha would be the emperor, albeit a bit more satanlike and scary due to her mass media powers. That would make rosie is darth vader, that weasing sound, shwooop puuh . . schwoop puuh, is her catching her breath. And of course all battles in this movie are fought with jedi hairpulling and bitch slapping, because blasters and lightsabers are... all together now class, phallic symbols.

SO IN CONCLUSION: this arguement is about as airtight as a russian submarine and you should just nod your head and agree with me.

Oops:

Battenfeld Residents,
Tonight while walking into the second floor lobby, I found a two page paper titled “rainforst1” posted on the inside of the door leading to the main stairwells. The content of the paper is very disturbing. The author of this paper obviously has some serious homophobic issues. The thesis statement of the paper is that “Lesbians are responsible for the destruction of rainforest.” The fact that, this individual has posted this paper on both floors (2 &3) is unacceptable action by myself as a director of the hall and I am very confidant that most of you agree with me.
I just want to tell the individual who did that, he needs to think about the difference between funny and offensive and recognize these two concepts DO NOT mix in Battenfeld. Finally to this individual, I say you need to grow up and open up your mind, otherwise do not be posting your twisted ideas in our hall and keep it to yourself.

Regards,

Mowafiq Al-Anazi
Director, Battenfeld scholarship hall



RE: rainforestl


So yeah, definitely a joke, and apparently not funny, if you don’t read past the well crafted thesis statement to the star wars references. And really there’s no need for name calling, I am not a homophobe. I am comfortable enough with the subject to make a joke about it. And if anyone has a legitimate complaint ask around, you’ll find me, and I will apologize profusely, and admit begrudgingly that ‘I suck at life’ – man I was on so many drugs that night whoah

That being said: I think cheetos are responsible for the current unrest in the middle east.
Insert collective WTF mate and lets continue.

It is a little known fact that camels looove cheetos. Do camels love cheetos, the question is almost rhetorical, of course they do. It’s a biologically adaptive behavior. When you’re in heat, not in the female dog sense, more the hot kind, the body sweats. It loses water and electrolytes, saw that in a Gatorade commercial once. Anyways, electrolytes are basically salt. So on a tangent, Gatorade is a sham. It contains salt which makes you more thirsty, so you drink more of their product, those bastard corporate lackeys. Right, so camels crave salt, which cheetos are naturally high in and of course they eat the cheetos. Those little orange powdery things are like cocaine in the camel world, or maybe tobacco is a better example. So frito lay puts out this add campaign and . . . targets camildren (camel children) and they all get hooked on the orange goodness. And then there’s all these CBI agents after the orange goodness, ok I’ll stop.

There’s one fundamental problem with camels eating cheetos – their basic inability to lick the orange goodness from their toes and toe crotches (spaces inbetween the toes). Sure they can paw the bags open and eat the cheetos, but the best part, the gooey orangish paste, ok it does have some sand in it but it’s up to camel standards, sits on their feet. Man you can’t imagine the emotional pain and suffering this causes, they should sue, damn frito lay.

Their basic frustration leads them to be mean and completely lacking in chrismas cheer year round. Proof: they spit, lots, who spits when they’re happy, not me. This lack of cheer spreads to the owners and up the food chain and pretty soon, nobody gets along.

And so you have it, just nod and agree another argument airtight like a Russian sub.
And if you call me a racist I’m going to be seriously disappointed in mankind in general

I hereby solemnly swear to never offend anyone, renounce my constitutional rights, and never utter any speech that could be considered by anyone anywhere to be politically incorrect.

OK Guys,
I thought the e-mail I sent last night would be taken as an educational lesson, but some of us seem not to understand the point was posting such an offensive writing is against the University and Housing policies. I f I know who did this action I would not hasitate of writing him up. the goal of the e-mail was to serve as a warrning and as a reminder to all of us, as we are in college to have fun, also we are here to learn respect in the same time. regardless the fact that, B-feld is a male building, it is no excuss to become a women basher. The last thing I want Battenfeld to be known of as sexiest hall, I am sure that will make girls think highly of you guys !!!!!!
enough said, If you want to talk about this topic, please call me or stop by my apartment anytime.
thanks guys.

Mowafiq